What I learned, a few months after the Autism diagnosis for my son
Below was something I wrote back in 2015. Looking back, I believe there’s value sharing this note for parents who are new to the journey of having a child with special need.
== WHAT HAPPENED ==
Earlier in 2015, on 2/2, a week after my son’s 2-year birthday, he got the official diagnosis of autism. It has been four months, but felt like an entire year. When the doctor delivered the message, I could tell she was prepared for me to cry. I didn’t. I was prepared — I had been doing research and kind of expecting this would be the case. I left the hospital, driving back to work, and suddenly found myself crying. out. loud. Since then I have cried a few more times in the car, at random hours, like 1am.
It has been challenging…The first time I sent Yi to a daycare, the director gave me the check back on the 2nd day and said: sorry, we are not capable of taking care of him, please take him back home. It was my 2nd week at FB… Yi did not have the diagnosis back then. We found him a great nanny and kept him home for a few months. Then we tried again, in a new school, as advised by the pediatrician. This time, they kept him there, one month, two months, three months. We thought we had found him a new home… until the fourth month. We are out, again. Seeing your loved ones being rejected like this is hard, but the hardest is to see Yi crying and screaming and hitting his head out of frustration, while there was nothing I could do to really help.
== WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ==
I have learned that the worst thing one can ever say to an autism parent is: “he/she will grow out of it”, or “It’s going to be okay.” How do you know?! For some people, autism is a life long condition. I have heard parents saying they sometimes wake up in the middle of the night worrying about who is going to take care of their son/daughter after they are gone. So please stop saying “he/she will grow out of it.” because 1) you make me feel like I am just being paranoid; 2) why do you think you know more than the experts and can simply prescribe him out of this condition? Instead, show your empathy by letting us know that you will be there for us when we need it or give us the moral support, a smile or a hug.
I have learned to ask for help. My life had been smooth. I got pretty much what I wanted mostly. I didn’t know I needed help. Now I do. I will reach out to people if I know there is a chance of me getting help for my son. And when I did, I found so many amazing people! People who are so kind, so generous with their time and patience and supports: my friends who are veteran parents of autistic child who gave me lots of guidance and tips; the staff and other parents I met in the support groups who shared with me lots of useful information; the therapists, the doctors and the nannies who give Yi so much love and care, my colleagues and friends who have been so thoughtful and so supportive…
I have learned that one can become so much more resilience than you can ever imagine. I no longer stress over things that stressed me out in the past. Simply focus on what you could do, one step at a time, don’t get hung up on things you have no control of.
I have learned to appreciate things that I took for granted. I got so excited when Yi realized he could reach out to food and put in his mouth, at the age of 23 moths old. I almost had tears in my eyes when Yi looked me in the eyes for one solid second for the first time, about a month ago. Every tiny step is a huge success. I appreciate my older son, Lang, so much more. He never complains when Yi was screaming and wakes him up in the middle of the night. He adores his baby brother no matter what. And my husband, who had grown so much these past few months.
I have learned how much my work matters to me. I got really frustrated and depressed when at the beginning people told me I should consider quitting my job. Perhaps that’s the better choice for some. For me, my works keeps me happy and feel good about myself. As a friend told me: you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your son. That is VERY true. When I am not happy, I cannot make others happy.
So here is to the many happy days ahead!
